Monday, August 16, 2004

I've recently become re-acquainted with one of my oldest friends. Music. I've began playing again with some sense of urgency. I didn't realize how badly I missed this friend. I never seemed to exist without him in some shape or form yet I stopped playing my guitars. I stopped writing my music and my lyrics, never considering that they would call me back to them. I guess that the things in life that are important to someone never really leave, they always seem to resurface in some sort of way.

I think the inspiration for me to play again was from a friend. His drive and desire for music was a reflection of the same drives that I had years ago. I only wish that I had followed through with those drives and held fast to the aspirations that musicians often hold.

Welcome back into my life old friend. May we never be estranged again!

I've also been thinking alot of who I am and why I am that way. I watched the movie "Butterfly Effect" last night. The strange thing is that I had it figured out quite soon into the movie. I do that quite often. The movie made me think about life, my life in particular. Not necessarily what I would like to un-do, but more of what decisions and actions I have taken which have had a dubious effect upon others.

Life is an endless stream of connections; connections between people, places and things. How many of those connections have I botched? How many of those connections have I had a positive influence upon? I cannot answer that question very well. I cannot say that I've done nothing but good, for I know differently. Connections. Decisions. Interplay. Relationships. I am somewhat afraid to make those connections. I am somewhat fearful of what making those connections entails, what the consequences of those connections will be. I realize that this may seem like cowardice, but only because that is precisely what it is. If I could sever all the ties that I have made in my life, what would the ramifications be? Would those with whom I have established contact with be better off, or worse?

I am a fool for thinking of these things, I think but only because I shouldn't be worried about them, according to some of my friends. I cannot say that I would like the world to be a better place, because I don't know what a better place would be like. There has to be oppositism in this world to make it work. Without darkness we wouldn't know the light, without cold we wouldn't know warmth, without pain there would be no pleasure. Without the ocean we would never know the pleasure of the desert. So without war, we wouldn't know peace.

One of my other friends came back into my life. His name is insanity. I can feel him creeping up behind me. I can almost look over my shoulder and see his eyes staring at me. It's no use avoiding him, he travels whereever I go. He drops in at night while I am sleeping and reminds me that my mind has a will of it's own. My mind is sometimes a parisitic being, feeding upon my emotions and not letting me experience the things I want to experience. I feel my mind telling me to stay home, telling me that safety lies withing my comfort zone. I don't want this. But my mind has almost assumed control over everything that is my life. My brain wants me to engage in addictive behavior and dangerous behavior. I haven't had an honest belly laugh in years. I haven't felt true happiness since my childhood, and even then I'm not sure that I felt happiness.

I used to be comfortable in the spotlight. Now I don't even want my pictures taken. I eschew photographs. I want to be the ghost in the machine. I want to help others succeed, not succeed myself; not if it means the inquisitive eye of the spotlight, homing in upon my every imperfection. There are times I want to disappear. There are times I want to pound my head into the wall. I have often joked about teetering on that narrow line between sanity and insanity. What people don't realize is that I'm not really joking.

I see the world in many different ways. Every day I see the world of underlying form: The world that physicists see which has almost 100% space. The world where concepts and ideas aren't fully defined and cannot be defined. The world where I am an idea and the rest of the world is an idea as well.

Music has been one of the rocks that I have held to that make my life seem real and meaningful. I am glad that it has decided to visit me again.

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