Tuesday, August 17, 2004

Impulse control

I'm trying to combat some of my addictive behaviors now. I guess the major one is my addiction to tobacco. I've been using smokeless tobacco for about 16 years now. I know that I'm addicted. I've tried to stop on several occasions. It never seems to work. I don't know what else I can do to fight it. But I'm going to see if I can go a single day without using it. Who knows, maybe I'll win this time. Maybe I won't.

I wonder though, what is an impulse? Why do some of us have them and others live their lives free from them? Impulse. Does it control me? Why? What do I tell myself to justify following an impulse? How do I give myself permission to perform this self-destructive behavior? These are questions that I really need to answer as I go along.

I know that last night I was in a dark place. I don't apologize for what I've written, in fact I celebrate it. The words that I wrote were justified at the time and seem somewhat morbid but they were real, they were honest. The feelings were real. I don't know if I'm crazy or not, but I do know that sometimes I think I am. I don't feel in tune with the rest of the world. I see no need for "reality" tv programs.

I'm out of words for right now.

No comments: