Friday, May 06, 2005

What is this life?

Life is what you make it out to be, or so I've been told. "Carpe Diem!" cried the Romans. Seize the day! To sum it up I guess it means make the most of every day, laugh when you can and live life to it's very utmost.

There are times when I find this very difficult to do. I seem to be at a changing point in my life, where I become morose and despondent as well as restless. I don't know which way to turn. I am in therapy and this helps quite a bit, but my level of motivation comes crashing down almost every day. I have very little energy and my thought processes seem to cloud over. I do not understand this because it only affects my personal life, my business life-my professional life is unaffected. I remain motivated, perhaps too much so and I accomplish those tasks which I must do. I meet the goals that I should meet.

Where did my energy go? Did my motivation take a vacation? Why do I depend so much for external support for my own energies? Why is it that being alone is so easy and being with others is so difficult? I don't want to avoid society, but it seems that I don't want to join it either.

Some days I feel as though I never really learned the lessons of high school and college. Perhaps it's the that I did as a youth, perhaps the alcohol. Perhaps it's the lack of apathy that I felt at home, or the fact that I was ignored on a daily basis. Perhaps I am just feeling quite sorry for myself. Whatever the case, sometimes I still feel as if I am not a wanted nor a needed member of my own family, my extended family or anyone's family at all. I am the forgotten.

When I was in the Marine Corps, I was part of a unit that disappeared off of the radar screen during the first Persian Gulf War. They called us, or more correctly we called ourselves "The Lost ARG." (Amphibious Readiness Group.) That's what I feel my destiny has become: To perform with distinction, the missions that are set before me, yet to remain anonymous except to those who are in my immediate vicinity. Is that a noble thing or is that ignoble?

Why does it seem that my friends ignore me? My social world collapsed recently when my best friend and his wife moved to California. I didn't see him all that often but I always knew that if I called him and it was important, he'd be there. I don't blame him for following his dream. I'd be a dick to do that, but I do blame myself for not being able to make new friends easily. I'm not an easy person to know. My appearance does not belie my substance. I am the book which cannot be judged by it's own cover. I've run into that several times in the last week. Hardly anyone knows who I really am. Hardly anyone knows the scope of my yearnings, interests and life's work. I love to think, to write to discuss knowledge, information, economics, intrigue, politics, the philosophy of religion, the philosophy of rhetoric, the philosophy of philosophy. I've just recently learned how to express my feelings, and in as much as I am new at this, I do it somewhat often through these pages, but maybe not enough in person. There are times I feel like I am living a lie and that I shouldn't be involved in the auto parts business, but that I should be some sort of a business strategist or involved in some other field or endeavor that tries the limits of my knowledge and my intellect. I learn languages quite easily and can adapt my approach to suit almost any cultural norm. But in direct juxtaposition to all of this: I love my job despite all of these additional talents that I have.

My passions are many and my aptitude for these passions is quite high, yet I don't see the world in terms of dollar signs, but in terms of the heart. I give up and I give this all to you.


alex said...

You're full of shit. You're a very easy person to get along with. You're open, honest, friendly, non-threatening, and you listen to what others say. The only thing stopping you from meeting people is your own belief that you can't. I'm pretty sure i know you relatively well, and it is my professional opinion that you're well able to get along with people and be sociable.

If you think you look overly threatening, it certainly isn't hard to change your outer appearance.

kmvr said...

I don't think you're full of shit lol
I have the same thing but not sure what it is. I am also honest, open, friendly blah blah and get along really well with the people I work with but when they want to take it a step further and socialize out of work I back down. I don't know, maybe some sort of defense from getting too close.
The thing that bothers me is that it doesn't bother me, I'd rather be alone.