Well (now that's a deep subject)

I'm not really sure where I'm going and I'm not too sure exactly where I've been. I can tell you that I've done alot of things in my life. I can say that I've been to countries in Asia, I've been to Austrailia. I've gone through the "shellback" ritual when I crossed the equator onboard a naval vessel. I've hung from a rope underneath a helicopter 500 feet above the ground. I've seen the sunrise and the sunset on the open ocean. I've seen a nighttime sky that was so clear you could see satellites in orbit. I've looked at Saturn with high powered binoculars and seen it's rings. I have seen the scourge of war and the defeated. I've witnessed the burning of oil fields and seen the first signs of nature's regrowth. I've seen sea spouts, flying fish, whale sharks, and sea snakes. I've witnessed a burial at sea and had the experience of friends dying.

Most people see that I support the war in Iraq and they feel that I am a hatemonger, a hawk and that I kowtow to the whimsy of the Bush administration. They read my blog and they feel that I am unjust in my attitude towards Kerry. The truth is, with my experience in the military I feel each death a little bit more than non-military people do. I've seen with my own eyes what war is, what it does and what it looks, feels and smells like. So when I hear that another soldier has fallen my heart feels pain. But having been in the position of the fighting man, I also know that I volunteered for that task. I sweated in training, and trained for a long time to become the warrior that I was. When I went to war that training was invaluable to me in the accomplishment of my various missions. I had pride in what I was doing. I believed, not necessarily in war for war's sake, but in the greater picture. I believe that these young men feel a sense of pride, a sense of devotion and a sense of greater good to their purpose.

So to those of you that call me a "hawk" I guess that's what I am. I believe that war will always be with us. I believe that the more one sweats in training the less they will bleed in combat. I believe that the American fighting man is the epitome of what he should be. For the most real look into why the American fighting man is so good, watch the movie "We Were Soldiers." So support the troops, even if your ideology differs from the ideology of he who sent them. They believe in their mission, so should we.

First Night Out in a long time

As I told you in my previous post, I will be getting out more and more. Today I went with one of my friends to his "spades" playing group. Pretty interesting group. Of course I didn't get to spend any one-on-one time. Who'd want that in a big group setting huh? The games were good. I haven't played spades for a while, well since sometime in 2000, actually. Well back to the story anyways. My spades partner, Adam, was less than thrilled with many of my plays. I've never played with him before, I didn't know what to expect with him. I tried to keep my game very simple.I don't like to over-bid. I prefer to underbid and take a few sandbags. Well the overriding strategy at this gamehouse is the "underbid and sandbag 'em to " strategy. In all the time I've ever played I've never encountered this strategy. So shall we say my game was less than stellar. I think we got sandbagged back at least 3 times. I have NEVER seen so many 7s and 8s walk in all my card playing years.

The group was really cool. I liked everyone. I got bit by a ferret (and there are quite a few of them there.) Now my cat is ignoring me. I left early, I just felt like I gave it all I had this first time. Besides I am always afraid that the longer I hang out with new people, the closer the time comes to when I say something inappropriate or completely and utterly out of line. So I tend to leave early and come back often. The other thing is that I'm not a fast talker. Some people are fast talkers, I'm not one of them. And the fact that I don't process and talk fast sometimes leads people to believe that I'm being aloof and precocious. I'm not, I'm just processing and deciding the correct course of my conversation. When I don't process, I end up ing off people. Oh well. I thought it was a good night out.

Goal Setting

My therapy group and therapist believe that I should socialize more. I guess I'm ok with that. I've never been the most social of humans. In fact, there are times when I truly can say that I people; people in general and people in specific. Of course this is not a good thing. Unlucky at love is one thing, but unlucky with social skills is entirely different. I've seen examples of how I could turn up if I continue in my anti-social ways. So therefore I am setting goals as to how much I should socialize. Since for me life is a series of either "just getting by" or compulsivity, I think my goal should be two days/nights a week to go out and have "fun" or hang out or do whatever people do. Sure I sound cynical here, I am a cynic at heart and a smartass by nature. So Sunday will be my first outing. I believe it is some sort of a card game. It should be fun and it should be interesting. I will say this: From what I know about myself, my attitude towards whatever it is that I wish to accomplish reflects upon how well I accomplish that task. I know that may seem ludicrous for me to say, yet it is the truest truth that I know. So stay tuned for my whacky observations and wild times to come. (oh yeah and one more thing: stay tuned for my rant on global warming.)

People are strange

People are strange. I'm included. We perform self destructive behaviors and engage in hysterics for no apparent reason. That's all for now.

Yet again we find ourselves here

We find ourselves here at the crux of life. What do we do with our "extra time?" Extra time is an invention of the post modern world. We don't have "extra" time. We don't have time in general. Time isn't really something that exists, it is more of something that we invent. Time is yet another concept which we have invented to measure, categorize and subdivide all things. Time is a quality judgement. And yet we can have "extra" time.

Isn't time spent really considered life? Can we waste time or is that just an euphemism for wasting our lives? Perhaps it is more than that, perhaps less.

Did you ever notice?

Did you ever notice that misery seems to bring more misery, yet happiness isn't as prolific? Did you ever notice that it is easier to be brought down than it is to get back up to a happier plane?

Keep you thoughts positive because your thoughts will become words. Keep your words positive because your words will become behavior. Keep your behavior positive because your behavior will become habit. Keep your habits positive because your habits will become your destiny.-Gandhi

We're Defeated Again

The most poignant line in a long while was uttered at the conclusion of the movie "Seven Samurai" [Kurosawa] by the leader of the Samurai. At the end of the battle, the village is saved and four of the seven samurai have been killed. The leader says "Again we're defeated." The woes and the truth of battle are espoused in that simple idea. "It is the farmers who are victorious" the Samurai finished. As always it is the soldiers and the military that lose even in victory. They lose their innocence, they lose their civility and they lose their comrades. The victors are always those who either cannot defend themselves or those who direct the warriors in combat.

Certainly the celebration of the victory should be shared, but a hollow celebration is not a true celebration, is it? The victory of having buried men that you've trained with, watching friends and leaders die, the victory of another man and with it his family's patriarch. Yes, victory, can be quite decieving. In battle men die, that is fact. In battle men kill, that also is fact. But with those facts come this: Warriors are to be feared before and after the battle, but during the fight they are to be revered and worshipped. They are weapons that are wielded by some that have no business wielding them. They are always the losers, that is the way of war.

Kurosawa shows us this. Kurosawa also makes an argument for the ronin, and for the samurai culture in general. "This battle will bring us no money and no renown." And yet several samurai accept the challenge. Each have differing reasons. Each have different outcomes. Seven againts 40. Seven. For the sake of protecting the villagers, for the sake of rendering assistance where it is needed.

Ask yourself this: If you were asked to help defend those who could not defend themselves, would you be one of those seven? Would you?